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Fuck.

Not just my laptop had a break down tonight, I broke with him. For month I didn’t cry, not since the burial of my grandfather. All my data’s are lost, just gone. I worked for years on my writing and now all my stuff is simply gone. It’s like my personality just vanished. Tomorrow I have English test probably going to blow it and if that was not enough, no surely it isn’t.

Tomorrow is Becci day, means a lot of my strength will be needed. But I don’t know if I have this strength anymore. I mean, I have no personality without my storys, they give me hope, give me the air to breathe. And now? I don’t have anything, I’ll be quiet tomorrow, won’t say something. Don’t want to. I feel so fucking empty, but I hope this will at least help me in English, got the first hour the test.

So I can simply think in English all the time, can talk to Dani in English, I know she won’t even listen, as always. Mother’s sitting in the living room watching some stupid show on TV. Hoped to get a little bit compassion or something from her, but no. All she had done until now, is judging me for the things I haven’t done yet. Don’t think I will ever be good enough for her *sigh*

Currently I am talking to Svenja, told her that I had a nervous break down, now she has stopped talking to me. But who can blame her, me depressive isn’t something she is used to.

It isn’t something anyone is used to and that’s just the way I want it to be. Don’t want them to know, about my weaknesses and fears. They have enough to deal with their own life, it isn’t any of their concern, what is happening to me.

They are surely my friends but none of them has passed my wall, so that I could talk to them about something like my mother, or my father or some other issue I have. My Brother showed my today, that he does care about me (!) Didn’t like to see me crying and he tried to cheer me up in his own way, so just make me laugh.

I didn’t laugh. But it’s good to know he tried.

Current mood: depressed

Current music: Nickelback – Gotta be somebody

24.11.08 21:16


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